Bad Button

There is a little bar on the top of my blog with a button labeled “next blog.” Clicking it will send you off to some other blog, chosen at random. I decided to give this a whirl, you know, see what's out there in cyberspace. Perhaps I would stumble upon something truly engaging, hilarious, educational and/or inspiring. Well, turns out it was all a big lie.

Never push that button. Sure it looks innocent and unassuming, but so does Miracle Whip, which is really just rancid chalk.

“Come on,” the button may coo. “Push me. You know you want to. Aren't you curious? It's just one little click of your mouse. What could it hurt?”

Don't listen to the talking button! Call me naïve, but I thought the point of having a blog was to communicate some message to an audience. But 90% of what I read during my little browsing session was completely unreadable.

To be fair, I realize that there are people who are born with severe punctuation disorders. While some people are born without limbs, others are born without the ability to use periods, spaces or commas. I think these people should avoid the internet. You don't see Mr. No Hands trying his luck with the harp, do you? Same rule applies here. I figure, if you can't type legibly, don't type.

And then there are those who intentionally want to confuse you. I will call these people “Mixed Capitalization Douche Bags.” They type all their sentences like so: “HeLlO Im A dOuCHe bAG!” Why would anyone do this? It just boggles me. If I could ask God only ONE question, it would be about this.

Luckily, if you do a lot of rummaging, wading through all the muck, you may find something worthwhile. Really the best way to insure a safe, eye-sore-free blogging experience, is to avoid the “next blog” button altogether and instead use some kind of search engine. To help you, I’ve added a link to one such search engine, “blogwise,” in the right margin. They screen all the blogs first, at least, which tends to help. Good luck and happy blogging!

Change Comes To Us All

"I'm so grateful to be in a country where I'm not always living in fear of machine guns."

So said a rather odd fellow as part of his remarks over the pulpit a few Sundays ago. No one else in the congregation found this statement to be hilarious, so I had to hold back all my laughter. But today I will have to whole-heartedly agree: I'm so grateful I can change my blog's name without worrying about all those pesky machine guns.

And so I have. If you were counting, the name "Jeremy's Black Pit of Eternal Sadness" won the most votes with a whopping FOUR. "The Skinny" and "Happy Smile Land" tied for second and the name I ended up choosing was in third. Turns out I had been leaning towards that name all along, and my vote counts for at least a million, so in reality it ended winning with 1,000,002 votes. I did receive some other suggestions, but let's be honest: who in God's green earth would want to name their blog "i'M sO cUtE. LoL"?!

But there's a story behind the name I chose. Several years ago I kept a book tucked under my bed. Every morning when I woke, I would grab the book and quickly write what I could remember from what I had just been dreaming. I heard such a practice could help increase one's chances of "lucid dreaming," or the ability to become fully aware in a dream without waking up. It actually worked a couple times, but never lasted longer than a minute or so. And so I eventually lost interest and the book went in a box.

I opened it up again recently, and the first thing I read was, "I'm flying backwards with great speed," and for some reason this line just spoke to me. There you have it. In an attempt to make this whole thing relevant, I will say that many of my entries are about things I consider to be backward. Hah. There you go. The title has meaning.

In other news, this blog has now gotten more than 1000 hits. Thank you to the ten people who pushed the refresh button 100 times each. You will all receive virgins in heaven.

What the Scrap?

Scrapbooking is big business in Utah. I would venture to say it is as big as country music, Republicanism, and Jell-o. Somewhere down the line, Utahans decided that photographs in of themselves just don’t cut it. After all, it's impossible to accurately preserve a memory without colorful backgrounds, cutesy stickers, die-cuts and felt markers. Maybe it's the Utahans' ancestor-loving nature that pushes them towards this craft. Maybe it's just another kooky side effect of living in large, happy-go-lucky Mormon communities. Whatever the reason, scrapbooking is huge. Seems to me it must comprise at least one-third of the Utah economy.

So you can imagine the financial devastation Utah would suffer if scrapbooking suddenly became unpopular. Well give your imagination a rest. I know exactly what would happen. How? Time travel, of course. On my latest jaunt through time, I stopped off in Utah to witness “The Great Scrapbook Crash of 2011.” Let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. Fortunately I managed to recover a soiled newspaper I found in the gutter. I had to wrench it away from a dirty little toddler who was using it as her blanket. She'll probably freeze, but at least you’ll get to read this article:

FEBRUARY 12th, 2011. SALT LAKE CITY – The bread lines grew longer Tuesday as 500 more scrapbook stores were forced to close their doors. The majority of Utahans are now out of work, the streets of Salt Lake City brimming with shanty towns, impoverished families struggling to feed their children.
“I suppose we can only blame ourselves,” said Sheila Peterson, 43, whose family lost everything shortly after the tragic crash. “When you have to take out a second mortgage to finance your scrapbooking habits, you know something isn't quite right. I guess it was all just a matter of time.”
Sheila isn't alone. Millions of Utahans gambled their financial stability on glitter pens, squiggly markers, and specialty scissors. In a state that struggles to curb the steady rise of cheap Methamphetamine, who could have guessed the real danger stemmed from a much more deadly drug; the drug of creative memory preservation, or “scrapping” as it's now known on the streets.
“I'd been scrapping for 15 years,” said Kaydee Young, 32, from Pleasant Grove. “It was more than a habit for me. I couldn't stop. Even after the crash, I just couldn’t help myself. Sometimes I'd raid neighbors' closets, looking for whatever I could find. When things got really bad, I sold five teeth for a few sheets of paper with little American flags on them. I mean, how was I supposed finish the page on my Nephew's Eagle Court of Honor without the proper backdrop? Now pattern pages will cost you a kidney and I already sold one for a couple acid-free glue sticks. All is lost.”
Yet among the rubble and ruin of this once bustling economy, there still shines a beacon of hope. Franklin Covey has reported a dramatic increase in sales. Once shadowed by the scrapping craze, Daily Planners may yet prove to be just the medicine Utah needs. Instead of praying for more seagulls, Utahans would find a better miracle in the personal organizer, whose efficient dedication to time management may soon overshadow the dying art of the scrapbook.

No Vote, No Voice

Please don't think I'd be so uncouth as to discuss the presidential election on this blog. Everyone knows that's a lose-lose situation. No, this post is actually about voting on a new name for this blog. Yes, I've grown tired of "Jeremy's Blog" as a title, so I'm thinking of changing it. Thinking sometimes requires input. That's where you come in.

So, my blog readers, you single digits you, read the following list of possibilites and vote on your favorite in the comments section. Some I'm really considering, some are thrown in to fill up space. Perhaps you think they all are terrible. If this is the case, feel free to suggest a name, as long as you refrain from suggesting something like "Jeremy's Porn Barn" or whatnot. The last thing I need is this blog attracting animal lovers.

The list:
1. Eat This Mr. Ebertson
2. Happy Smile Land
3. Santa, Elves, and Everyone
4. The Turbo Power 2000 Plus Deluxe Special Edition
5. Flying Backwards With Great Speed
6. Tab and Bon Bons
7. Jeremy's Black Pit of Eternal Sadness
8. The Skinny
9. Stuff To Read
10. Jeremy's Blog (it's so classic)

Do remember to vote, because if you don't, how could you live with yourself?

Damned Ladies 2

A month or so ago I wrote a post called "Damned Ladies," about working in a female-dominated environment. Since then, I've written down some of the things I've heard during their regular conversations right outside my cubicle. I've decided to compile a short list of quotes for which I will provide no context. They are more amusing taken as they are:

"Don't even look at me. I'm so scary looking today it's pathetic!"

"That's what I did with my emotions while I was married to the crazy man."

"Well, I beat my dog, but you don't know what my dog does!"

"I'm just greasy every day."

"I feel like you just told me you're going to marry Paul Newman."

"I was like all frightened of him. Him and his long braids."

"All farmers have bad breath."

"My pants smelled gross. I was so embarassed for myself."

"You mom brings you milk? My mom never brought me milk. She never even nursed me!"

"She's got a growth somewhere."

"Is that why I have a bulbous butt?"

I doubt these quotes are as amusing to you as they are to me, but I thought I'd share them anyway since they make me giggle, all giddy-like.