1. Calves are cute, miniature versions of real cows.
Kind of like fun-size snack bars, or Tom Cruise.
2. Calves have large, freaky eyes.
If I ever wanted to make an artsy concept film, all I would have to do is zoom in on an eyeball as it looks around for about 5 minutes, splice in some Philip Glass and BOOM. Film festival gold.
3. Calves can eat the weeds in my garden.
Because having to weed a garden is a horrible, horrible thing. I don’t see how anyone could possibly enjoy it. But I can tell you one thing: if I ever find such a person, I will take them aside and I will murder them.
4. Calves are large enough to feel like a real pet, but small enough to be tucked away, out of sight.
I can keep mine locked up in the pantry until I require its presence. Then, as soon as the novelty of owning a calf wears off again, back into the dark closet it goes. Maybe I could even vacu-pac it into a dresser drawer, next to my socks; save even more space.
5. When you’re bored with your calf, you can eat it.
The world would be a better place if this applied to all relationships. Bossy relative, annoying neighbor, obnoxious spouse? Cannibalize, cannibalize, cannibalize.
13 comments:
put the lotion in the basket...
Once again, you win for blog entry of the week.
Damn, you put me to shame.
HAH! this post freakin' RULES.
btw - i say you make that film. you'll be rich and famous in no time.
and then you can support me. i mean, you can quit your job. (and support me)
You must have a big pantry. I don't even have a pantry! My life sucks. I bet a baby cow would cheer me up.
Ingrid: You talking crazy speak, girl.
Kris: Lies, all lies. I'm becoming quite the fan of your blog.
Grace: Will do. And I will call the film, "Retinal Visions Amongst the Bovine, Part IV." I've maxed out my credit cards in anticipation of my coming fortune.
CL: My pantry knows no limits. Once you go in, there's only a 60% chance you'll come back out. I keep a fresh torch, and a shotgun handy whenever I need to go in for canned corn.
You should also teach it to play frisbee on the beach. And when it get's big you could tip it at night for fun.
you are a GENIUS!
hey, can i get an associate producer's credit on the film? :P HAH!
While you were posting this, two hillbillies shot your million dollar film and Scorsese is presenting the Criterion edition.
or just some sad art student in Portland who will eventually get rejected by every festival.
Did you get a baby cow because you were lonely? Tsk tsk. Me thinks you should have visited Grace instead.
Terra: Excellent idea. I will chalk it up on my list.
Grace: of course. I'll even bump you up to EXECTUTIVE producer.
Nardac: This is true. But making the exact same film as has been done before takes place so often in the film business, surely no one will notice.
What are you smoking over there?!
LMFAO!
This is hilarious. Never thought to make a list rationalizing my need for a calf, but now I have logical reasons. Grazie!
the most famous surreal director (Luis Bunuel)'s most famous scene is probably in Un Chien Andalou (1928), when a man cuts a girl's eye open. He "opens her eyes". It's a very strong scene, a very strong symbol, and an extremely shocking one (horror flics didn't exist back then).
Neither did CGI. So how'd they do it?
It was a cow's eye.
Crap, everybody has a head start on me now.
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