Sweet Spam

I received the following email today:
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Hi ,
I am Stephani, Remember me?
New Super Web Sites Opened.You Know?
Every Thing Here And Every Thing Super.
This is Not Dream!!! This is Real!!

This is Not Spam Mail.This is Reminder! Thanks.
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Here was my reply:

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Dearest Stephani,

Of course I remember you. How could I forget? How long has it been? Five, six years? It seems like forever. But you know what I like about you, Stephani? (besides the bad English and the awkward spelling of your name) -- you're always thinking about other people. Just this morning I was thinking to myself: how can I get my hands on more "New Super Web Sites"? And then I get your wonderful email. You're a dream come true, Stephani. A prayer answered. You make Mother Theresa look like a bloated, rum-loving skank.

But there's one thing that hurts me, Stephanie. That you would think for one second that I would consider your sweet, poetic email to be spam. Of course I know you'd never send me spam. Of course I know that this is merely a "Reminder!" After all these years, you still worry what I think of you? Don’t you remember our quiet cottage in Salem? Don't you remember our three beautiful children?

Is this about Molly? Listen, I know all about how you abandoned her in the woods that one day you went crazy. Honestly Stephani, you can’t beat yourself up about that. I don't know anyone who doesn't consider two out of three non-abandoned children a glaring success. Arthur and Danny are both healthy and happy, functional adults -- living within the nurturing walls of the Nevada State Prison.

You’re wrong about one thing, you know -- that "This is Not Dream!!!” Of course this is a dream. Life with you has always been a dream. And I never want to wake up. Forget about the website, as wonderful as it sounds. I want "Every Thing Here And Every Thing Super" for the rest of my life. Come back to me, darling.

Ever devoted,
Jeremy