Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Fish of My Life

I haven't had much luck with fish. Specifically, pet fish, of the Siamese (or Beta) variety. Known for their ability to survive in cramped spaces with minimal attention and care, they are the ideal pet for lazy people.

Yet two Betas have died on me recently. The first fish, who I had aptly named "Fish," froze to death while I was on vacation in California. A few months later, the second fish, which I named "Fish II," starved to death while I was on vacation in California. Ironically, I had installed an automatic feeder for Fish I, but neglected to leave on a heater. Fish II had plenty of heat, but I just forgot to feed it. If Fish I and Fish II were merged into one super fish, they would have been just fine. So I guess we can only conclude that it serves them both right.

Sure, if we're going to play the blame game, then fine, maybe I didn't exactly take care of them properly. I've decided my problems of neglect stem from me not being home enough. So, after moving into my newly constructed office space, I bought a new fish for work. My computer has been programmed to remind me twice daily to feed the new fish. And he lives in an office environment that is always warm.

But one thing still bothered me. Perhaps naming a fish after its own species was bad luck. Both Fish I and Fish II had kicked the bucket, after all. This time, I felt it appropriate to give my new fish a proper name. And that name is Murderkill.

So welcome, Murderkill, to your new life. You will receive exactly 8 pellets of food per day, in exchange for which you will float around in your glass vase and look interesting. Failing to comply with said rule will result in an immediate reduction in the amount of delicious pellets you receive. I hope we're clear on this. Do your job or it's a one way trip to a toilet bowl near you, mister. We both know that I don't mess around.


jess said...

i love this post jeremy... and i have a few comments:

1) I recently lost my 2nd siamese/beta fish. They were named Jim and Jim 2. I think the lack of originality is really what kills 'em.

2) I didn't set guidelines for the Jims. you see, we fed Jim and he just stayed in one spot. No swimming, except to get food and go straight back to the bottom. He lived like that for years. Jim 2 (better known as J.J.) didn't eat much but swam like a son of a gun.

3) I dig the name Murderkill. Murk is a nice nickname.

Jeremy said...

Well I guess its official then: give a fish a generic name, and they're doomed to an early death.

Sorry to read about your losses. We get so attached to our brainless aquatic pets, don't we?

As for Murderkill, he has proved to be sufficiently entertaining. In fact, he freaks out regularly -- going into spasms and whatnot. I encourage this behavior.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel so bad...I killed about 20 fish...and nearly all at the same time. They kind of died over night. And by the way...they were babies. I should be put in jail or something.

Kim said...

I had 2 betas when I was in college. I think the names also had something to do with their demise.

The first was Hamlet. He killed himself by repeatedly jumping and hitting his little fish head against the plastic top of the bowl. The second was Othello. I didn't put a top on his bowl and he jumped out of it.

Moral of the story: Don't name your fish after characters in Shakespearean tragedies.

Gina said...

Someone in my class just prayed in gratitude for the MOISTURE we received. That reminded me of you.

Gina said...

my comment has nothing to do with fish. hah.

jess said...

kim- that comment had me rolling. i'm sorry for laughing at the unfortunes of your fish, but picturing those fish jumping around... pretty funny.

NARDAC said...

murderkill... perhaps this just means that your fish won't die by neglect, but for food purposes.

Frankly, I think Danny is a very good name for a fish.

Kris said...

Kim's fish only jumped out of the bowl because it was trying to get to her Budweiser.

grace said...

maybe... you weren't meant to have pets. heh.

stay away from the fish, jeremy!

Jeremy said...

Theresa -- If you didn't kill them, their mothers would have eaten them. Certainly that is worse.

Kim -- That is an important lesson. I'll save the depressing Shakespeare names for my children.

Gina -- Yo! Where you been hiding? Talked to Sherri lately? You know, I haven't heard many moisture prayers lately, but they still make me oh-so-angry. It's rain, people. RAIN!

Nardac --He's named after the Murderkill river in Delaware. It spills into the ocean at Slaughter Beach. No lie. Stay out of Delaware.

Kris -- Can fish survive on alcohol? I will have to experiment.

Grace -- I kill pets. It's what I do.