Watch the Skies

I live near a major Air Force base which means low-flying jets frequently occupy the sky above my house. Aircraft that fly so close to the ground tend to be noisy. Think of the gentle hum that your computer makes and multiple that by five million. That kind of noisy. It is a booming, skin-prickling, deafening sound. Ironic that noises made by real jets can sound so much like the music of that old rock band, The Jets, no? (Stop your groaning.)

I'm okay with this. Rarely do these jets interfere with my daily life. But there is one particular activity where having jets fly directly overhead makes me want to vomit with rage: when I am outside chatting on my cell phone. This gets me to thinking, why must these jets interrupt me while I'm on the phone? Why not when I'm mowing the lawn, or vacuuming, or sobbing myself to sleep?

In fact, I do not recall one occasion where an outdoor phone conversation has NOT been interrupted by a noisy jet. Sure, this could be because talking on the phone is the only time I actually NOTICE these jets which are, in truth, passing by quite regularly, but I reject this explanation. Screw Occam's Razor. The only other logical explanation is that this is all an elaborate government conspiracy against me.

What makes me think the government would be involved in some far-fetched conspiracy against a regular, unassuming citizen such as myself? Hello, they're the GOVERNMENT. What else do they have to do? Perhaps they monitor my calls and are trying to stop me from learning some devastating fact I can use to bring them down. If this is the case, which it most surely is, then I need to piece through some of my recent outdoor phone conversations and figure this out before its too late.

True, in the past I've admitted to having a mild case of Alzheimers, meaning I have some problems with my memory and theoretically would have trouble remembering enough information to piece together any worthwhile evidence. And yes, I may not be able to remember the name, face, or even the gender of many close friends and family members, but dammit, I DO remember cell-phone conversations that have been slighted by noisy Air Force jets.

Three such conversations come to mind. In one I was talking to my good friend about the recent passing of her father. While this was sad, the obvious theme here was death. Another time I was talking to a friend about our plans for that Friday. And yet another time I was telling my mother about my visit to Octoberfest. What does it all mean? It's quite obvious really: the government is planning on murdering someone on a Friday sometime in October. And it could be you!

Lock your doors, bar your windows, be afraid.