Contraband

Last week I learned that small turtles are lethal. I was in Salt Lake, looking at art, and I had an overwhelming urge to buy a pet. Maybe it was the abstract sculptures of dogs in that funky museum my friend had taken me to, or that angry, one-eyed rooster from my dreams. I don’t know, but it pulled at me. My beta fish had frozen to death last winter so I was still petless and not getting any younger. I needed SOMETHING.

Then it hit me: a turtle, now that’s a perfect pet. They’re slow, stupid, green, and round. (ironically fulfilling every requirement I have in a girlfriend). I decided I wanted a tiny one that consumes very little and that would be perfectly content living on an island in a fishbowl with a plastic palm tree, his only friend.

But there were no tiny turtles in any pet store I visited. And I visited A LOT of stores (three). I was told by every pet store owner that small turtles are ILLEGAL. What the hell? How can a turtle be illegal? Can you snort it, sniff it, inject it into your arm? Yes. But it turns out they’re illegal because they carry salmonella on their shells. And small children can put the turtles in their mouths and become infected and die.

This, of course, is an extremely stupid reason to make something illegal. Small children can also drink Windex and die. Is Windex illegal? Hermit crabs have shells, and children probably stuff them into their mouth, but I’m pretty damn sure it’s not a crime to buy a hermit crab.

The smallest turtle a pet store is allowed to sell is 4 inches long. 4 inches! It might as well be 50 feet. I wanted something TINY so I could buy that palm tree and the fishbowl island and cover the turtle’s little world in darkness with the flat of my hand on those cold nights when I like to dress up like god and smite things.

Vanquished, I settled with another fish. It’s better than nothing. In the meantime, my friend says she’s got the hook-ups with a shady pet store that knows how to get around the law. I hope she succeeds in getting me a turtle because I can tell you one thing--after all that trouble--I’m so going to snort him.