I was sitting around, minding my own business, when this lady on T.V. started talking to me.
“Menopause,” she said. “It's more than hot flashes and mood swings. It's about gaining weight, in places we never gained weight before.”
Holy crap! You think your day is going well, then something unexpected, and yes, even magical happens to make it so much better. You see, I'm a skinny guy and the truth is I could benefit from gaining a few kilos. But when you have a metabolism like mine, the kind that would devour itself if you didn't stop feeding it, gaining weight can be a daunting task. Well, you can imagine my joy when the nice T.V. lady announced this amazing new way to gain weight: menopause.
But what is menopause? Obviously it's something experimental, and perhaps even a wee bit dangerous, as it seems to have the tendency to cause hot flashes and mood swings. Is it a revolutionary new drug? The next trend diet?
Maybe its meaning can be derived from picking apart the word itself: men-o-pause. Hmm. Sounds fishy to me, like it has something to do with slowing men down. Just another item on the checklist of the evil Feminist Agenda. Well darned if I'm going to let some rotten, no-good Feminists show me up. If I have to take out my anger by brutally beating up a prostitute and sexually harassing a Day Care worker, so be it.
But wait, according to Google, that's not what menopause means at all. Boy is my face red. Turns out you need a uterus for the whole thing to work. In a way, I feel a bit betrayed. The lady said “we” after all, and I could only assume she meant everyone. Here I thought I had a free ticket to weight gain and now I am left with only broken dreams.
Fat people think gaining weight is so easy. You lie, fat people. I've tried it all: gorging myself with Crisco, total abstinence from exercise, scouring trash bins outside liposuction clinics. Nothing seems to work. I suppose I could lift a weight or two, but when did I say I wanted muscle? It's fat I want, and lots of it. I want a belly so big I can rest my food on it like a table. I want to my regular breathing to sound like I just barely escaped drowning. I want to experience the “Big and Tall” section of department stores like I've never experienced it before.
Alas, I must give up these hopes. Sometimes you just have to accept your station in life, no matter how hard it hurts. And I suppose, after all has been said and done, I should apologize to that Day Care worker for what I did to her. But not the prostitute. She had it coming.
14 comments:
this time, instead of "Obsession," i had "The Men All Pause" by Klymaxx in my head...
you see, the first time i heard that song, i thought they were singing about menopause...
i'd rather have "Obsession" stuck in my head right now.
hey, is prostitution legal where you live?
Goodness, no. I'm not even sure SAYING the word "prostitution" is legal where I live. I think it may be more plentiful in Salt Lake City, rather than where I am, which is about a half hour north. Of course, the city just north of me, Ogden, is pretty much a ghetto, so I'm sure they probably hang out there.
"...scouring trash bins outside liposuction clinics."
quite possibly THE most disgusting mental image i have ever conjured up.(this is taking into account the unspoken course of action that you took in my mental conjurings, that included finding, and then um, 'using' your findings in such as fashion as to gain your desired amounts of fat.) thanks so much.
vomit.
Always happy to give you that little extra queasiness that gets you through the day.
Yeah, beer should put plenty of excess fat on your bones.
I have yet to see that menopause commercial. I'm constantly bombarded by various PED commercials.
The problem with being Mormon is that we're an extremely health-concious people. If there was a way to get ridiculously fat on just "grains and vegetables and very little meat" then I would! Of course, I suppose my goal of becoming an obese slob already contradicts the health code I try to follow, so what the heck. What I need is a swimming pool full of twinkies and a medical needle, you know, so I can inject them directly into my arteries.
I hate when my browser double-posts. Then I have to wait till I get home from work to delete the extra comment. For some reason the Mac I use at work does not display the "delete" option. It's a hateful, hateful machine, but I'm desperately in love with it regardless.
Of course menopause is funny. It always was, always will be.
Very true. Did you know that this very issue was tackled on Absolutely Fabulous?
if it was on ab fab, i would be highly supprised if he didnt know about it...
I haven't seen an episode of Abfab in many a moon. About a year ago I noticed they were making new episodes, but they were showing them on Oxygen, and I just couldn't bring myself to watch the Oxygen chanel. Some boundaries should remain uncrossed.
yo, we need a new post. heh.
yes, menopause is always funny, but not always this funny. a lovely post, almost as endearing as the obsession post, but who can argue with coke? and golly jeez, I found you with the dangerous next blog button! it's really a wonderful world out there.
Greetings NARDAC. Glad you found me in the scary world of the "next blog" button. Since giving up on the button, I've tended to only check out the blogs of people who post on this blog. It's kind of a self-centered way to approach things, I suppose, but so far I haven't run into a blog that's impossible to read. Some are actually well-written and enjoyable. Works for me.
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