Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Why, Dex, Why?

It was a happy day when I found a brand new phonebook on my porch, shortly after moving into my new house. "Wow," I thought, "this really validates my existence." I had become a permanent resident, no longer a migratory student, shifting from residency to residency, with no time to appreciate the perks of phonebook ownership.

Shortly thereafter I found a new phonebook on my porch. This one was fatter, and from another company. "Sweet," I thought. "Two phonebooks are better than one."

When a third phonebook showed up, from yet another company, I began to get worried. Did someone find out about my phonebook fetish? Seriously, who really needs THREE phonebooks? It’s pure hedonism to own so much information.

Then came phonebook #4. "Look, even more friends!" I exclaimed, nervously picking it up and adding it to the growing stack.

When phonebook #5 arrived, I became disillusioned with the universe. "If there is a God, why are there so many phonebooks in the world?" I cried angrily, shaking my fist at heaven. And what had *I* done to deserve all these yellow pages when so many people in this life would literary KILL to have a phonebook of their very own.

Yesterday I received phonebook #6. I have become numb to it now. It's like nothing they can do can hurt me.

Now I'm stuck with six phonebooks and I think to myself, "Where do we go from here?" Phonebooks have very little worth as information finders, what with the internet and all. It's not that books in general are out, it's just that these particular kinds of books have outlived their usefulness. Can you cuddle up to a fire with a phonebook? Can you read one in a waiting room to pass the time? Can you take one to a rest home to entertain the elderly? Yes, you can do all of these things. But would you want to….

There's got to be some practical use for these phonebooks. If I were a hobo, I could burn them over a trash can for warmth. If I was skilled at origami, I could make hundreds of amazing creations. If was a bored sadist, think of all those yummy, self-inflicted paper cuts! And if I was filthy whore, I could, um, sleep with them, I suppose.

But no, I'm just an average guy with a mountain of useless information. I guess I could chuck their yellow asses in the garbage, but what if I die and find out that God was really a gigantic tree all along? I would have to account for genocide, and surely I would panic and blame society. Giant Tree God would see past my lies and banish me to some concrete hell. Honestly, I'd rather not take my chances.

25 comments:

grace said...

you have a phonebook problem... stop collecting stuff, you ... collector!

throw them out! you need them not!

Nerissa said...

Hmmm...well, I can understand your concern that God is really a gigantic tree all along that you do not want to incur his/her/its wrath for throwing away volumes of phone book because you're not using them. If that's the case, then why not just donate them to those hapless individuals who don't have Internet access at home, such as myself. Although, I'm not sure how useful Utah phonebooks will be for me...

Worse comes to worse, you can always cut up letters and/or words from its pages and use them to write your ransom notes.

Nerissa said...

PS: "[Would you want to] take [a phonebook] to a rest home to entertain the elderly?"

Well, why wouldn't you want to? All those phone numbers... You can entertain the elderly by prank calling some random person. Just make sure you don't use your cell phone to make those calls =P

How's that for excitement and breaking your routine? hehehe

Jeremy said...

Nerissa: You have vision. Ransom notes and prank calls are excellent uses for the phonebook!

Grace: I know I have a problem... but don't you think it's a bit strange to receive 6 phonebooks in a 10-month period? The Great Tree god is testing me....

Nerissa said...

Wooohooo, I have vision!! Although, I wish it was about 20/20, instead of... of... nearsighted. I hate it when I nearly see something, but I miss it just in the nick of time!

Also, another use for your phonebook: You can use them to flatten your outgoing mail. Apparently, the USPS will return your mail if it's more than 1/4 inch thick on a first class postage (even if it's less than 1 oz). I found that out the hard way. *sigh*

Jeremy said...

Less than 1 oz...were you sending thick chunks of styrofoam?

Nerissa said...

No, it was an italian charm for an italian charm bracelet. Wrapped with some tissue paper.

Jeremy said...

ITALIAN tissue paper?

Nerissa said...

Nah, just regular tissue paper used for fillers in gift bags.

grace said...

don't forget to block your # so that they can't see who's prank calling you!!!!

everyone has caller ID!!! rat bastards!

Jeremy said...

Mystery solved! And now they are taking down our T1 line at work to fix it... and I will be cut off. Farewell, Farewell!

Cindy-Lou said...

As funny as this post is, your comment about the ITALIAN tissue paper was funnier.

Kim said...

6 phonebooks? And I was feeling loved by getting 2. I see now I'm not so significant.

You're fetish for phonebooks and Nerissa's comment about Utah phonebooks got me thinking. Perhaps you could collect phone books from all over. I'm sure it would please the Tree god and it might make the prank phone calls you make for the seniors much more interesting.

"Today ladies and gents we will be calling Mary Stone in Bangor, Maine and ask her if her refrigeratior is running."

BUGGER blogger said...

think about it... you could use that load of info to do marketing! or... maybe pick out baby names! or find lost acquaintances!

jess said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jess said...

Kim: Your comment was hysterical! Great idea....

Jeremy: Too bad you don't have Pica... you could just eat the phone books (it's when people eat things that aren't edible).

Quyen said...

hahaha... too funny :P

I think you should tear out the pages, put them all over your floor and then lead a tour of incontinent men through your house. Then when they need to go to the bathroom, lock the door and try to sell them some Depends instead. Even if you don't make any money, your floor won't get stained... too badly ;)

grace said...

i see your comments, but no new posts... why do you hate me?

i know you're not dead! you can't hide from me forever!!!!

uhm, please?

some people may call me a stalker. i call me a lover. yeah.

Jeremy said...

Yes, but here's the difference between you and me:
You're a giver, I'm a taker. Wheras you provide your readers with fresh posts daily, I prefer to wait sometimes a week or more between posts; reading other blogs, but not updating my own. It's about laziness and selfishness--traits I suggest you work harder on acquiring.

Plus, you know I'm hurting for material when I write long posts about owning phonebooks...although I admit I've really enjoyed the comments with this one.

Thanks for your concern :) I'll try to post again soon.

Nerissa said...

Maybe you can write about danger symbols, like this one.

NARDAC said...

Wow... 6 phonebooks... you're just lucky they didn't fall out of the sky and onto your head.

Do they all have the same listings? Why do you get so many different phonebooks? Are there that many different phone companies/ or phone directory companies? Does anybody pay for phonebooks? How do they make money off phonebooks anyways, if it's privatised? The Yellow Book, I understand... but the White Book?

Anyways, here is socialist france, everything comes from the gov't. Still, I manage to have 4 phone books, two white ones, and two yellow ones, all 4 skinny. So, I have to fumble around with 4 when all I need is 2.

*That could be the title of Justin Timberlake's next song on phonebooks: "all I need is 2."

Jeremy said...

N: Every phonebook is from a different company. I have no idea why there are so many companies that make phonebooks for my area. I know that they make their money through all the advertising in the yellowpages section, having asked a friend whose father runs one such company. All the phonebooks are FAT. It does not surprise me that French phone books are skinny, seeing as French people are generally much more petite than us morbidly obese Americans.

....Why am I answering questions about phonebooks. I really need to post about something else!

Mr. What said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mr. What said...

So Jeremy, why the yellow pages? Why did the phone companies pick yellow to be the color of their pages?

Jeremy said...

urine fascination?