Now that I have my own house, I find that I have to take care of things I never had to bother with before. There's quite a bit of upkeep involved with a house that one never has to worry about in an apartment. For one thing, I now have to mow the lawn.
Big deal, you say. Well, when you're lawn-maintenance-retarded, like me, these things ARE a big deal. You see, I never had to mow a lawn before in my life. Back in California, there was an abundance of a certain ethnic group that was always more than willing to mow it for me. Not so in Utah.
It took me three weeks after moving into my house to buy a lawn mower. By then the grass had pretty much taken over. The weeds themselves were taller than Shaq. But I hacked and slashed my way through it, filling up 12 large bags with mutilated lawn waste. By the time I was finished, I vowed to go back to California and kidnap some gardeners.
Long story, short--They fought me off with their rakes and their hedge clippers and I barely escaped with my life.
Here's my point: I think it's high time someone invented some kind of potion that stunts grass growth. I mean, we must have similar potions already out there. How else do you explain Gary Coleman?