It’s not easy being the Virgin Mary. For one thing, no matter how much your life has changed since the Immaculate Conception, people still call you a virgin. For another, crazy idiots keep claiming they see your face in everything from tree bark to ketchup. The latest Mary sighting to make the news is her blessed appearance on a toasted cheese sandwich. The holy sandwich almost sold for $30,000 before it was removed by eBay authorities. I can’t find the original listing, but here’s one of the many replicas by some other jerk preying off religious fervor in the name of profit.
The owner of the original sandwich, Diana Duyser, claims that in 1994 she was taking a bite into her lunch and saw the Virgin staring back at her. You can imagine her awe and her joy--I mean, with these kinds of miracles happening, who needs a cure for cancer?
But the story doesn’t stop there. This Mary sandwich, or Virgandwich as I’ve decided to call it, has brought Diana special blessings. On her eBay listing, she claimed the Virgandwich had helped her win over $70,000 at casinos. She even has the receipts to prove it.
Well, that’s it, I’m convinced. She’s got receipts people. Receipts!
Now I’m going to really have to reevaluate everything I think about biblical figures. For one thing, they must be starved for attention. I can only guess they spend most their time daydreaming about life back on Earth and how they wish they were a part of it again. So, in the case of Mary, they make little cameos on sandwiches and whatnot. It makes them feel important again. Plus, helping their followers succeed at gambling is the kind of thing people do in heaven. Reminds me of Jennifer Lopez's mom, who after winning a shload of cash, gave all the credit to the Virgin Mary (who of course had everything to do with it.) Don’t question this stuff. You’ll understand when you get to heaven. Or should I say IF you get there, you faithless swine.
I don’t understand why people just can’t be realistic and trust the sandwich. The sandwich has PROVEN its power. All this cynicism has made me so mad that I’ve gone and spilled my soda all over my desk. Look what you made me do!
Wait...hold on a second...could it be?...yes, the subtle pattern of spilled pepsi...it’s Mary! Praise God! It’s a miracle, a blessed blessed manifestation from heaven.
And now for some manifestations from Reno. Blackjack, baby!
13 comments:
when you said faithless swine, i felt like you were talking directly to me... because, really everything's about me... and the virgin mary.
you know what creeps me out? the ... uhm... what's it called stigmata? yeah, uhm... those people freak me out. a lot.
Oh yes, stigmata is creepy. But somehow I doubt it has anything to do with Jesus. Personally, If I died on the cross for humanity, I would find nicer ways of reminding people than causing their palms to bleed.
gosh, maybe you should try spilling your tab and finding out what religion you need to get into. like, spilling smarties on your desk, artistically, could convert you to islam!
and I disagree. Stigmata is awesome. If you started spontaneously spurting blood from the centre of your palms, you'd know there was a god (or at least hope for one).
no. that just means that you for some reason have really weak blood vessels and skin, no? hehe...
ugh. that's just gross.
god. i want a grilled cheese sandwich right now.
Nardac: I found my current religion by doing just that. The smarties never lie.
You know, that Virgin Mary sandwich only had one bite taken out of it before it was thrown into a plastic container for preserving. Did anyone stop to think about how a grilled-cheese Mary really tastes? It has to be better tasting than a regular sandwich. I'm with you Grace. I wish I had one right now. A delicious, delicious Virgandwich of my very own. Mmmm...
hehehe. delicious Virgandwich sounds like you're going to get you a threesome with 2 virgins.
sorry. i'm a pervy. screw it. i'm not apologizing for being a perv!!!! muwahahahaha!
if you haven't noticed, i've completely lost my mind.
I, personally, think grilled cheese is delicious- holy or not. but i'm sure holy would taste better.
I looked at the picture, and it does look like Mary, except not at first. But I wouldn't pay $100 for it.
And the thing about the devil says you should pray to Mary, but God doesn't, I dunno about anyone else, but that's kind of offending.
Just thought I'd post that.
attn, smut attack: But can you imagine the shock on her face when she realized her bananas all looked like Jesus? Why she sell that on ebay? Oops, because the sun don't shine where Sweet Baby Jesus Bananas have been.
(there has to be a big market for satanic food sex toys... somewhere)
check this out - it actually sold! for $28,000!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6511148/
unbe-freakin-lievable.
Thanks for the link. It seems it was bought by an online casino which plans to use it for publicity. I suppose those who are stupid enough to use online casinos are also stupid enough to be impressed by a grilled-cheese sandwich. It all works out in the end.
wait, did the sandwich sell for that much, or the picture?
The sandwich. It got relisted. I don't think the photo got any bids.
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