Tabilicious

I think it's high time I wrote a post about Tab. If you're too young, too old, or too drunk to remember, Tab was a soft drink developed by coke with saccharine instead of sugar, was bottled or canned in pinkish-red pin-striped aluminum, and had zero calories. It also tasted like monkey-groin. I speak of it in the past tense because even though it is still around, it is no longer being marketed and is thus dead as far as the world is concerned. It was introduced in the sixties, but really reached its peak in the eighties. I have personally been addicted to it for years.

Why do I drink Tab? Well, not for the taste, that much is clear. Coke tastes better, and so does pig sweat. Do I drink it to be cool? Not really, since drinking Tab is pretty uncool as far as that goes. It is a beverage for old ladies. Do I drink it to keep the weight off? Girl, if I lost any more weight, I’d have to cling to trees during wind storms.

For me it’s about nostalgia and about habit. I started drinking it in high school while working on a literary magazine. The advisor would often bring in food to our meetings: large cookies from Trader Joe’s and 6-packs of Tab. There was nothing else to drink, except maybe sink water. Thus, much of my high school years were spent downing Tab--delightful, filling, piss-nasty Tab. There's just something about it, and I'm not talking about the amusing “Warning: May Cause Cancer” label it had for many years.

I kept buying it in college. It's got more caffeine than coke, great for staying up late studying, and it brought back pleasant memories. At one point I did a Tab advertising campaign for a class (see one of the ads below). It's amazing what you find when you do research on something you think is long dead. Does Tab still have a following? You bet it does. There are forums where people write post after post expressing their love for the sickly sweet liquid. Finding grocery stores that sell 12-packs equates to instant ecstasy for some fans. Others discuss the road trips they've taken to stock up on fridge packs. Of course these people are crazy, but they are crazy Tab-drinkers, so they're okay in my book.

Next time you're at the supermarket, pushing a creaky cart down the soft drink isle, keep a look out for Tab. If you're feeling adventurous, grab a 6-pack. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. The point is, one of these days you're going to get cancer, and when that day comes, you're going to be very confused. “Why, God, why?!” you will ask. And for you atheists out there: “I hate you God, even though you don't exist!” And just when you are feeling like nothing makes sense in this world, think of Tab. Yes, Tab gave you cancer. After all, saccharine is a known carcinogen. Of course, you would have to drink an ocean of the stuff for it to really make a difference. It doesn't matter. Blame Tab. I intend to. Good old piss-nasty Tab.