Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Porch Fruit

I found a severed head on my porch this morning. I had opened the door, expecting only to retrieve my weekly delivery of delicious hormone-free milk when I first spotted the head. It wasn’t your ordinary, run-of-the-mill decapitated head. The insides were stuffed with jellybeans, tootsie-rolls, and lollipops. Also, the head was a piñata.

I had to think back. Who would murder a piñata and deposit its remains on my porch? About fifty people sprang to mind. After narrowing the list down to people I actually know, I figured it out. I remembered getting a call last weekend while I was driving to Wyoming inviting me to some Mexican-themed party. I had to decline the invite because I was on my way to spend a few days attacking the Snake River with raft and paddle. The party-goers must have messed around with some piñatas and then, drunk on the fiesta spirit, decided to cast their leftovers on my porch.

The piñata looked like it was hand-made at the party -- yellow with two black spots for eyes and one large, black gaping mouth. Pretty shoddy craftsmanship. It is times like these when I wish I led a secret double-life as a homicidal maniac. Then I could procure a REAL severed head and leave it on THEIR porch. Maybe I could even stuff it with candy.

But the head is not important. In fact, what I really wanted to write about was the river trip. Three days of rafting, camping, and general outdoorsy activity. Very satisfying. The Yellowstone corner of Wyoming is breathtaking. Nothing better than floating down a river with densely packed pine trees on rolling mountains, visited frequently by deer and bald eagles. Plus, the Snake has good rapids.

On the second day, the layers of sunblock, sweat, dirt, and bug spray got to be too much. For the first time in my life I grabbed some soap and bathed in the river. It wouldn’t have been so bad if a raft hadn’t passed by with leering onlookers just as I was shampooing my hair. I felt like a dirty hippie.

But who cares, camping is great. Two weeks ago I camped with some friends at Bear Lake, which straddles Utah and Idaho. We enjoyed a 1 a.m. swim in the freezing lake water. Nothing so refreshing as not being able to feel your limbs. We were looking for the Bear Lake Monster, which is rumored to frequent the waters. I swear I saw a glimpse of it, although the blurred splotch I saw was more than likely just an artifact of hypothermia.

I love the summer. I love the sun. I love sleeping under the stars. Much better than the 8 hours a day I spend in this freezing office. It’s 97 degrees outside and I have to wear a jacket. They have the air conditioning pumped way up so the warehouse workers downstairs don’t get too hot. It isn’t natural. I come in and freeze and go out and sweat. One of these days I’m just going to lose it and heads are going to roll.

Keep your eyes on your porches.


grace said...

that's where you've been! i was about to leave you a "are you dead" comment!

glad you had fun! did you take pics???

man, i want a severed head with candy in it!

and what do you mean "head is not important"???? :P

Jeremy said...

I took some pics but mostly with one of those water-proof disposable cameras. I have to get those developed and then maybe I'll post a few.

If we ever meet in person, i'll give you a severed head with candy in it. :)

You know, I'll be in California next month --- but only for two days (my sister's wedding). I'll be back to Utah before even blinking. I'm never in Cali these days...

Kim said...

I was just telling a friend who lives in Boise that I miss being out there for camping and stuff and that they don't really do that much out here.

Then I read your post.

Thanks for making me feel even more homesick for my beloved Northwest, Jeremy. Way to kick a girl when she's down.

Jeremy said...

Anytime, Kim ;) Kicking people when they're down, that's what I do.

grace said...

2 days??? how can you only be in cali for 2 days???

i say you stay up late one night and meet up for drinks. or i'll drink and you can have juice or something :P

Jeremy said...

I totally would but I fly in Friday night and immediatly my family is picking me up and we're driving to San Diego. Half of Saturday will be spent in San Diego where my sis is getting married in the temple there, then driving back to West Covina where we'll have the reception in which I must participate in the setting up/taking down, then family things all day Sunday until I fly out that evening. See? No time. But one of these days we'll meet up...it is inevitable.

grace said...


when i read inevitable, i cracked up because i was thinking about kim jong il in team america...


okay. don't disappoint me again. :P

NARDAC said...

funny how you titled your post "porch fruit" when really it was about severed heads and camping... something along the lines of "The Mormon Mexicana Massacre" might have been better... or not...

jess said...

"The Mormon Mexicana Massacre"

I was cracking up!